Everything is changing.

I'm in Oregon again. Me and that boy are done forever. It's kinda crazy how things change so quickly. Never ask a psychic a question about a specific person when it comes to love, you will wonder what it meant for the rest of your life. Our lives have forked so drastically. I'm trying to move on and see this as the prayers being answered. How many times was I mistreated and praying for a way out? Now I just must be strong and independent and work on me. I went to an interview for rehire today at Harry and David, they said they'd be calling me within the week. I'm working on financial aid, so I can go back to college. I can't wait to buy a guitar, and eventually have my own place & vehicle. It will bring me great happiness. That's all for now.

Speaking through lyrics again

Ever live a life that's real
Full of zest, but no appeal
Ever want to cry so much
You want to die
Ever feel that you've been had
Had so much that you turn mad
Ever been depressed that
(to) those you turn to, you bring distress
Ever sit in tormenting silence
That turns so loud, you start to scream
Ever take control of a dream
And play all the parts and set all the scenes
Ever do nothing and gain nothing from it
Ever feel stupid and then know that you really are
Ever think you're smart and then find out you aren't
Ever play the fool and then find out that you're worse
Ever look at a flower and hate it
Ever see a couple kissing and get sickened by it
Ever wish the human race didn't exist
And then realize you're one too
Well, have you ... ever .. I have
So what

Speaking through lyrics again

Ever live a life that's real
Full of zest, but no appeal
Ever want to cry so much
You want to die
Ever feel that you've been had
Had so much that you turn mad
Ever been depressed that
(to) those you turn to, you bring distress
Ever sit in tormenting silence
That turns so loud, you start to scream
Ever take control of a dream
And play all the parts and set all the scenes
Ever do nothing and gain nothing from it
Ever feel stupid and then know that you really are
Ever think you're smart and then find out you aren't
Ever play the fool and then find out that you're worse
Ever look at a flower and hate it
Ever see a couple kissing and get sickened by it
Ever wish the human race didn't exist
And then realize you're one too
Well, have you ... ever .. I have
So what

Help I'm Alive My Heart Keeps Beatin' Like A Hammer...

Fletcher has decided to go "camping" with Behemoth tonight, leaving me here all alone. It's really funny because without him I feel like I can't figure out what to do. I love him to death, but I'm so damned codependent! I miss him even though it's just for one night. I think everything is happening for a reason. I recently did an astrology tarot spread, and in my house of the near environment I drew this card, the Queen of Cups. I believe that this card was drawn to represent Krimp, and she thinks so too. What's more amazing is that she told me that when she was my age, she had drawn this card representing someone older in her life, a spiritually connected woman. It's crazy how alike me and Fletcher's stepmom are. It makes me happy that I'm not completely friendless here! At least one other female knows what's up lol. Well I can't think of anything else I wanted to share for now. <3

Didn't know it would be so hard...

Well today my parents left. I'm in Seaside, California with Fletcher. It's been a long time since I've blogged anything, because it's been a very confusing time in my life. I've moved for several reasons, but I love this boy and intend to never let him go. I didn't realize it would be so hard to say goodbye to my parents. In Oregon I spent so much time dealing with my family crying and trying to find little ways to test the waters to see if I would stay home, but I knew I had to get out of Medford. I love it here. It's taking a little while to get Fletcher to actually get out and show me around, but he's still working on getting everything organized, doing the smart thing, and I'm just anxious to get out and see the place! Yesterday my parents and fletcher and I went down to the wharf and the ocean was beautiful! I'm still so, so excited about living on the beach. The ocean is all around me!!! I still can't believe it. We walked down the beach and saw people making a huge sand castle. As we walked down the wharf we saw some sea lions, and saw some that were directly under the dock! it was crazy. They were barking at us. It's been hard for me to sleep since I got here. Today my parents picked us up and we drove to Santa Cruz and just walked up and down the beach and boardwalk and it was really cool to be there with my parents. We walked back to the van to have a sandwich and we saw a crazy chick in a hotel across the street throwing someone's stuff out of the window, and it looked like she threw about 10 starting pot plants out the window, and all kinds of other stuff. A lot of it hit other people's cars and one guy got hit in the head. She was clearly intoxicated on something!!! When my parents brought me back to Fletcher's place my mom hugged me and the tears starting flowing for me for the first time, other than while I was hugging mikey and he actually cried too. That touched my heart. My mom sounded really sad and scared and it made me cry. My dad has been crying for a month, pretty much. My parents' roles are totally reversed, and I love it. My mom was the one stressing out about money, and being overly-agro, and my dad was the one who could barely look at me without getting choked up. Maybe I'll write a book someday, well I plan on writing a lot, but definitely about everything that has happened. Everything in my life is so unique and that just makes me start thinking about everyone elses lives, and it just amazes me. I look around me and see so much beauty and I feel inspired. I feel scared a little, but I know it's just because I've never been here, I've never been very far away from my family and the place I was born, let alone over 450 miles!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm very happy and mixed up emotions right now, But I'm so so happy to be with Fletcher in a new, beautiful place.

[and this place supposedly has a great art scene!!!!! so excited!]

Love Kills

Why do we do this to ourselves? What the fuck convinced mankind to think it's right and NORMAL to settle down with one person for the rest of our lives and even GET MARRIED? Who decided that? Did they not take into consideration that people who are around each other for more than 24 hours end up wanting to KILL EACH OTHER? Did they realize that one day all the people who have been together for all those years end up hating each other? What about all the TV shows, and not to mention real life, that feature old farts who can do nothing but bitch about being married and their wives/husbands? How long does the happiness last? Not THAT long! I've only seen ONE successful marriage in my entire life, and that was my great grandma and grandpa. They grew up a LONG time ago before men started being complete ASSHOLES and passing the traits down to generations. I rarely even have anyone open a door for me anymore, let along TREAT ME LIKE A HUMAN FUCKING BEING!!!!! I'm sick of it! Why don't we just do the SMART thing, and in order to PROTECT OUR SPECIES and PROCREATE and SURVIVE, why don't we just listen to our instincts and live on our own, hunting, taking care of our shit, NOT settling down with one person, but fucking for pleasure and for procreation... Instead of dealing with the same old shit for years on end, hoping and praying that the person we so unfortunately and hastily decided we were going to spend our life with would change their fucking ways and grow up!!! Not to mention the time we start dating someone all kinds of crack like hormones are racing through our bodies, making us feel like we are OH SO IN LOVE, then after awhile it all kind of dies down and we just sludge along... with no excitement or happiness in our lives but short-lived happiness. Everything we naturally do in the wild is now supposed to make you feel guilty and taboo... I fucking hate it, humans, conventions, and this world.... FUCK

Words can't capture...

• Mood: tired
  Weather: Cold
  Listening to: relaxing music
  Eating: Nothing
  Drinking: water
  Wearing: pink skull shorts and a tank top
  Wanting: to fly
  Thinking about: how good sleep will feel.

Let's see. I woke up this morning and decided to rearrange my room... and I'm very happy with the results. I found out today that 2 people in the city I live in have died from the damn swine flu. The hospitals are trying to be "hush-hush" about it to avoid a panic, but they are getting ready for a pandemic, patients flooding the hospital. I think it's strange, how when this whole thing started, it was everywhere, they wanted us to be, or feel, forewarned. Now when it is actually KILLING people closeby, everywhere, they are quiet about it. This is bullshit. Everyone should know about this, everyone should do everything they can to avoid this shit. I personally am leaving my house as little as possible. I know that sounds a little overboard, but I don't care. I would rather be overly careful than dead. I personally think this is a government-induced population control technique... BUT anyways...

I had this weird pain in my foot/ankle area today, and I tried to ignore it at first. It got so bad when I did anything as simple as walking or standing, that I had to go to the ER to get rid of the sharp pains I was having, and find out if my foot was okay[I know it seems very odd and contradicting that I said I wouldn't leave my house and ended up going to a HOSPITAL... but oh well. I'm crazy. haha]. So, sitting in the waiting room, an ambulence shows up, and the people around me are talking about how it is the third or fourth ambulence to show up. A mother holding a little girl in her arms about 3 or 4, comes rushing through the door. The little girl is coughing her lungs out. So I went cold in fear. I instantly started breathing into my hand, they put a face mask on the girl and took her back very soon upon arriving... After that, I almost had a panic attack from all the people and all the voices colliding in the room, and the fact that I had just been in the same room as someone with the H1N1 swine flu virus, which to me at this point should be considered a zombie virus, and the image of dead bodies in a cold room somewhere in the vicinity I was in... all those thoughts almost sent me off the deep end! But now I am at home, and alive, and in one piece, and I intend to stay that way.

On a lighter and much more pleasant note, I saw my lovely Sky when I got home from the hospital. We talked about making plans for her to come stay at my house sometime soon... I showed her some old pics I found of us, and she borrowed them to copy them... I told her to take pics of herself and send them to me. She didn't stay for long, but it was amazing to see her and hug her and talk to her. When she got home she IMed me on Messenger and we talked for a while, she sent me some beautiful pictures of her, and I tried my hardest to express to her how breathtakingly beautiful she is, and how much I care about her. She is my everything and my best friend in the world. [well her and Fletcher, that is. love him too ] I don't think she will ever realize how beautiful she is. She is gorgeous. <3

So now, in my awesomely redesigned CLEAN room, I am going to fall asleep on my big comfy bed with the boy I love... oh god my leg fell asleep... haha.

\\//until tomorrow... p e a c e